Anthony Kneipp Draper is a Champ!!! BACKYARD CR…

Anthony Kneipp Draper is a Champ!!!

BACKYARD CRICKET!!!!!

STANDARD RULES:

Can’t Get Out on the First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give

the token unco dickhead a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to

hone their reverse sweep; which becomes interesting when

smart-arse bowlers use it to hone

their beamer.

Caught Behind: Since no one has the desire or the reflexes to

stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes

instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can

dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first

bounce) is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly,

it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More

importantly, it means you don’t have to put your beer down.

No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only

option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen

shuffle across the crease as is test driving a Zimmer frame.

Six And Out (Then Fetch It): Introduced to combat space and energy

restrictions. It’s rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless

bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.

Standard Over: All veteran backyard bowlers know that the standard

length of an over in backyard cricket ranges from anything between

10-12 balls. You only relinquish the bowling duties when

questioned by any fielders or opposing team members. But only

after the standard response of “Two to Come”.

ESSENTIAL ITEMS -

Esky: Strategically placed at the bowler’s end, the esky is the

shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because

it holds the beer.

Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there’s always

some smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence.

Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to

give it more swing than Austin Powers.

Dog: Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field

every ball, including those that disappear under the house or

thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than

a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will

sleep for 3 days straight afterwards.

Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you can clean up your own

mess, but in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.

Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on

the handle, it’s usually of 1980’s vintage, with a fake signature

of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult

status.

CODE OF ETHICS -

Stumps: The game draws to a close when:

a) Your host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out

of gas;

b) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it disappears down

the drain;

c) You can’t get that batsman out with any type of bowling pace or

spin; or

d) Your girlfriend cracks the shits and wants to go home because

you “become a shit” when you hang around with your mates.

Flower Damage: Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the

fact that you have just topped your girlfriend’s petunias.

Somehow, the universal threat of a week-long drought bonds the

male species.

Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise

profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance.

The feat prompts shitloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant

“Get me one while you’re at it!”

No Running Between Wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist

should know this phrase, “The words fun and run don’t go

together.” Just ask Arjuna Ranatunga. Besides, how the hell are

you supposed to run in thongs?

Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They

usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of

the willow. You can bowl a couple of dollies to her so she can hit

before ending this freakish sideshow with a yorker. Most chicks

hold a bat as if they’re chopping wood. And they can’t handle

yorkers.